Returning axe

An axe can be a boomerang. This, I learned today.

Probably 30 minutes, or more, had passed – before I realised the post on my screen was an axe, and I was grinding it. Fast and hard. No goggles, no protective gloves or safety boots. In pyjamas and dressing gown, hair of bed and sleepy waking.

On realising this I said, to myself, in the voice of Milly – “And, you know what you do with an axe.”

I did. I put it down.

An axe is dangerous, grinding an axe is even more so.

The post on my screen. This morning’s axe, triggered the appearance of my big professional axe of recent years.

I bent myself into a different shape, a badly damaged shape, with that professional axe, grinding it, sharpening it. I carried it with me, running, cycling. That is tough, it was tough.

I put that down close to two years ago. Bent badly, integrity questioned, challenged, impugned. In the name of stakeholder appeasement.

It still hurts, so much. Yet, I feel it less. It has little hold on on me now. Still some hold, I admit. Professional, not personal. They can be difficult to separate.

All this had come flowing back, into me, around me, in an instant.

As I read this post. on my screen.

As with so many announcements at CoP26, headlines which proclaim great things in a land of milk and honey.

And, I wrestled, head and heart, hands and fingers. Saturday. Computers switched off. Easy route to diving into responding and frenzy and axe grinding, close at hand, yet not immediately available.

I reached out to the Manc Andy, needing no more than to write something down.

Realising the axe that was present as I wrote a note to him.

This helped me, was hugely useful for me, in putting the axe down, away from the grinder. Not wielding it either.

I did compose some words, in response to another version of the same article and post. It was more reflective than my angst fuelled grinding of axe response could have been.

And, I smiled.

Sat, now, in a favourite place, with wisdom of Milly by my side.

Continuation of a sporting weekend.

Rugby at Tigers vs Bath last evening, this afternoon is Stamford Daniels vs Wisbech, then Wales vs South Africa this evening.

Flow, ease restored. Confidence.

No axe to grind. So, so good.